An Askew Royale
by IamHim
Summary: CHAPTER 10 IS UP. Finally, it's been awhile! Thanks to those awesome folks who review, It's appreciated. All your favorite View Askew characters will du
1. The Introduction

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characters, concepts, or places used in this story…I don't own much of anything for that matter…Also sorry if the structure's a bit messed up…

Chapter 1: The Rules 

            "I am the Metatron, The Voice of the One True God. As you are all sinners, God has decided to punish you. You have all pissed Her off in one way or another, and with no other options She has resorted to Her vengeful ways. However, She does have a great sense of humor, hence the game."

Game?" a distant voice calls out.

"You humans, I hate it when I have to spell it out for you. God has selected the lot of you to participate in a game of Battle Royale. I know, it is not highly original, but it is better than another flood. For the uninformed, Battle Royale is a game where you are all shipped off to an island and forced to kill each other until there is only one left. In this case, the battlefield will not be an island, but 'Tri Town', New Jersey. As you all know, 'Tri Town' consists of Middletown, Highlands/Atlantic Highlands, and Red Bank. Throughout the game, certain areas will become off-limits; meaning that if you enter them, you automatically die. How will you automatically die? Considering that God is running the game, it won't be very hard. Also, She is a fan of surprises, so be ready for anything. You will each be given a random weapon and proper rations of food. Well then it seems you are all ready; I will call out your names, and you will come up and take your bag. Sinner #1…"


	2. The Sinners

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, concepts, or places used in this story…I don't own much of anything for that matter…Also sorry if the structure's a bit messed up…Please Review, I appreciate it! Thanks to those you already have…  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
The Sinners  
  
"Sinner number one, Dante Hicks!"   
  
Dante walks up, regretfully grabs his bag and exits the room.   
  
"Sinner number two, Randal Graves!"   
  
"I always thought God would be more clever than this, borrowing from The Ten Commandments is one thing, but taking from The Running Man is low." Randal takes his bag and wrangles out.   
  
"Sinner number three, Jay!"   
  
"Come on Silent Bob, let's kick some ass!" Jay and Silent Bob get up together and receive their bags as the Metatron mutters the name of Silent Bob.   
  
"Sinner number five, Veronica Loughran!"   
  
Veronica quickly snatches her bag and chases after Dante.   
  
"Sinner number six, Caitlan Bree!"   
  
"Sinner number seven Shannon Hamilton!"   
  
"Sinner number eight Brodie Bruce!"   
  
Before leaving, Brodie offers the guard a chocolate covered pretzel, the guard answers with a punch to the face.   
  
"Sinner number nine, Rene Moiser!"   
  
"Sinner number ten, Brandi Svenning!"   
  
"Sinner number eleven, T.S. Quint!"   
  
"Sinner number twelve, Holden McNeil!"   
  
"Sinner number thirteen, Banky Edwards!"   
  
The Metatron looks to the gaurds, "Christ this-"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Oh, not you Jesus," he turns back to the guard "this is taking forever, you don't think She'd mind if we sped this up a little?"  
  
"Of course not" replied the guard.  
  
"Alyssa Jones, Hooper Lamont, and Bethany Sloane," Bethany opens her mouth to object, but is interrupted "sorry, even you've sinned."  
  
"The next three are a special treat, as they have already died. Eternal damnation is not enough for them though, they are to die again. Bartleby, Loki, and Azrael rise again and go forth!"  
  
The three rise from the ground and look around. "Oh fuck me!" cries Loki in disdain.   
  
"Nice to see you too Loki. You three know the rules, get out there. Moving on, Agent Willenholly, Justice, Missy, Sissy, Chrissy, William Black, Tricia Jones, and Olaf Oleeson take your bags and get moving."  
  
"This isn't over! I'll see you again big-bird! With my excellent detective skills I'll find you!" Willenholly walks off.  
  
"Finally we are drawing to a close, all that is left now is our wildcards. Steve-Dave Pulastia, Walt Grover, Leonardo Leonardo, and Brent step forward."   
  
The four wildcards take their bags and enter the game.  
  
"Damn list, took forever to say. You owe me God. The game is set and the players are in, let the fun begin." 


	3. The Humble Begining

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, concepts, or places used in this story…I don't own much of anything for that matter…Also sorry if the structure's a bit messed up…Please Review, I appreciate it! Thanks to those you already have…

Chapter 3: The Humble Begining

"Shit Silent Bob, this game kicks ass! It's like I'm Butch Cassidy and your the Sundance Kid and we're running through the west kickin' the shit outa all them bitches."

            Silent Bob nods his head in consent, and lights a cigarette.

            "More like Bonnie and Clyde you tubby bitch, Bong!"

            Silent Bob rolls his eyes and points to their bags.

            "I got an idea, let's see the what's in those bags Hawkman gave us!" Together, they sit on a curb and open their bags.

            "Damn Silent Bob, I got mother-fuckin' Wolverine gloves! Snikt! Watchugot?" Silent Bob reaches into his bag and pulls out a golf cub, he swings it and remembers the deadly blow he struck with it once before.

            "What the fuck man? You like golf and that shit?" 

            Silent Bob mockingly swings the club at Jay. 

            "Looks like the rest of this shit is food and all that. Well C'mon Silent Bob, I think I saw Justice in that room we were in, and we're gonna need to find her. She'll know we'll be at the Quick Stop, we're always at the Quick Stop."

            With bags and weapons in hand, they walk in the direction of the Quick Stop.

            "Jesus, man, don't worry so much we'll find the girls" Brodie and T.S walk through the streets of Jersey looking for Brandi and Rene.          

            "Your confidence astounds me. Here we are in a game where we may be forced to kill each other and yet you walk proudly as if there were nothing wrong. Not to mention the fact that we were pulled from our successful lives!"

            "What can I say, I have a very positive outlook on life. It seems to me that you're missing something, something that could fill a very empty place in your heart."

            "Don't start that with me again, remember what happened the last time we went there?"

"You were reunited with the girl of your dreams?"

"You know, every word from your mouth-"

Suddenly from close behind, a war-cry is heard, and a shapeless form can be seen running at Brodie and T.S.


	4. Jail Time

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, concepts, or places used in this story...I don't own much of anything for that matter...Also sorry if the structure's a bit messed up...Please Review, I appreciate it! Thanks to those you already have...  
  
Author's note: I'm a little out of practice, as it's been a while. However stick with me as I bring myself back into the story and everything will improve. Thanks.  
  
Chapter 4: Jail Time  
  
Together the two turn their heads and see a man from their past they had long forgotten, that of Shannon Hamilton's.  
  
"Well if it isn't that asshole from Fashionable Male!" Brodie's words cause Shannon to stop in his tracks. "When the hell did you get out of jail? I figured they'd have for at least fifteen to thirty years."  
  
"Well, asshole, I broke out. And now for ruining my life, I'll take yours and slacker friends."  
  
"Hold on a sec, because last time I checked your life was ruined long before you were sent to jail. Let's face it you had less direction in your life than me."  
  
"I had a great girlfriend, a great job-"  
  
"A great job! You worked at a department store in the mall! I'd hardly call that a successful life. And as for your girlfriend, you were the rebound guy!"  
  
T.S. leans over to Brodie and whispers, "Stop pissing him off, there's no way we can beat him. He'll kill us."  
  
"Of course we can beat him, I mean look at him the man, he's obviously weakened from spending quality time in prison with men named 'Bubba'."  
  
Unable to listen any longer, Shannon swings for Brodie's head with the brass knuckles he had received in his bag. Shannon narrowly misses as Brodie ducks. Sensing opportunity T.S. kick Shannon in the shin. He and Brodie turn and run. Shannon quickly recovers and pursues them. The chase stops suddenly when Brodie trips and finds himself lying face first on the sidewalk. Agent Willenholly looks down upon Brodie with a gun pointed at T.S.  
  
"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. It looks like I've found myself some new friends." He lowers his gun.  
  
Brodie, breathing heavily, looks up at him and points, "Quick...big man...coming...shot..."  
  
Willenholly looks in the direction of Brodie's finger, "Oh, no worries my friend. As a special agent in the F.B.I, my marksmanship is beyond compare." He fires multiple shots at Shannon. Each one misses its mark. Shannon runs up and knocks Willenholly to the ground. He then jumps on Brodie and begins pounding him. T.S. tries to help but is thrown off by Shannon and rendered unconscious. Just as Shannon pulls his arm back for what would be his final blow to Brodie's now unrecognizable face a shot is fired and Shannon falls. 


	5. A Cherry on Top

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, concepts, or places used in this story...I don't own much of anything for that matter...Also sorry if the structure's a bit messed up...Please Review, I appreciate it! Thanks to those  
you already have...  
  
Chapter 5: A Cherry on Top  
  
"Damn Silent Bob, why do I get the feeling we're being watched again?"  
  
Silent Bob answers with a simple shrug of his shoulders.  
  
"Shit, I know why. It's because me and you kick so much ass! Hells yeah! These fucks putting on the show can't get enough of me lunchbox. The more they see my suave self the more they want me." Silent Bob looks at Jay with sad eyes and points to himself. "Shit man is food all you think about, we got some killing to do and you're worrying about that 'rumbely in your tumbley' like fucking Winnie the Pooh and shit." Silent Bob rolls his eyes realizing once again that his partner has no clue what he means.  
  
The two continue their trek towards the Quick Stop.  
  
"Listen man, just because she sent us back from that fucking purgatory doesn't mean she hates us. I mean, at least we can extract some revenge on the people who did us in, and what's more God-like than that. Speaking of revenge-"  
  
"Jesus, Loki, are you still going on about that? Yes, I killed you, yes, I'm sorry-"  
  
"You betrayed me in front of humans and while I was drunk no less!"  
  
"Fucking humans," they both mutter in unison.  
  
Loki put his arm around his old friend, "All right, give me the first kill here and we're even."  
  
"Deal. And speaking of killing shall we check our instruments of death?"  
  
They open their packs and look inside. Loki pulls his weapon out first, "Oh my God!" a fiery noise is heard as Loki wields his familiar weapon. "The flaming sword, I used to do so much cool shit with this, I've been dying to use it again since you made me hand it up. What'd you get?"  
  
"A fucking harp." 


	6. Comic Bound and Friendship Found

Chapter 6:  
Comic Bound and Friendship Found  
  
"Fuck this Walt, let's go back to the shop. The variant cover of Insanely Awesome X-Men #450 comes in today. Wolverine's claws are slightly shiner than the non-variant edition and those little fucking kids will be coming in groves to get their hands on it. Not to mention those pathetic nerds who live with their parents."  
  
Walt looks up to him with wide eyes, "How much are we charging?"  
  
Steve-Dave grins, "25 bucks."  
  
"Genius." They walk to the comic shop, unopened bags in hand, laughing at their maniacal plan.  
  
"This contest sucks," moans a large man in a dirty shirt and beanie. "Nobody's gonna help me. I'll be all alone and I'm just a big, stupid-" He screams and begins to cry.  
  
"Excuse me, but did I hear someone cry for help? It just so happens that I'm in the business of help." Azrael peers up at him from beneath his large white hat.  
  
"I-I."  
  
"Have no fear my new-found friend. With your size and my brains no one in this game stands a chance. Come, walk with me for a while. We'll talk."  
  
William Black wipes his tears and follows the sharply dressed demon. 


	7. Catching Up

Chapter 7:  
Catching Up  
  
Veronica Loughran runs out after Metatron's roll call and immediately heads toward a nearby alley to hide. She moves some trash can in front of her and sits. Alyssa Jones goes to the same alley.  
  
"Oh my God, wh-who's there?" A frightened Veronica yells.  
  
"Veronica?"  
  
"Stay back, I have a gun!"  
  
"Veronica Loughran? Is that you?" She moves the trash cans aside, "Holy shit! I haven't seen you since graduation!"  
  
"Alyssa? Jones, right?"  
  
"Yes! Graduated North High, class of '88!"  
  
"Oh my God!" They exchange a hug and begin reminiscing about old times. After some time, the two decide that standing in an alley may not be the safest thing to do. They begin walking.  
  
Veronica turns to Alyssa and stops, "You know what? This is bullshit."  
  
"Tell me about it. I'm not even sure it's real."  
  
"All I wanted was to go to college and be with Dante; neither of which worked out."  
  
"Dante Hicks?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I forgot you two went out. What happened?"  
  
"He dumped me for Caitlan Bree."  
  
"The girl who fucked a dead guy?"  
  
"The same. Can you believe it, he dumped me for a corpse-loving slut."  
  
"I heard it was an accident, and isn't she in the nut house?"  
  
"Accident or not, and yeah she is. What about you, heard you had you're share of 'man trouble'." They share a laugh.  
  
"Yeah, Holden McNeil. He's a great guy really, but things were weird Me being a lesbian and all."  
  
"It's tough out there."  
  
"Sure is, but there are so many to choose from."  
  
"Well, we better keep moving. It's been great catching up with you."  
  
"Yeah, you too. Shame it had to be under these circumstances."  
  
"I'm still not sure about killing people."  
  
"Me either, but if someone shoots at me you can be damn sure I'll shoot back.," She makes a gun with her hands and pretends to fire it.  
  
"Wanna see what's in these bags?" Veronica sets her bag down and begins to open it.  
  
"Sure," Alyssa places hers down too.  
  
"I got some food, water and a...fire extinguisher?"  
  
"Better safe than sorry. Let's see, food, water, and heh, there's that gun I was talking about," She pulls it out and fits it in her hand.  
  
"We better keep moving," They collect their gear and begin walking.  
  
"Where to?"  
  
"No idea." 


	8. From Russia With Love

**Chapter 8:**

From Russia With Love

A beautiful bespectacled woman walks along side a large, brooding figure, "So, you're from Russia?"

Olaf Oleeson examines Justice, "Skrelnick."

"That's nice...I've heard about you from Jay and Silent Bob; you're Bob's cousin right?"

Olaf points to himself, "Bob, Couisn"

"Do you know where they'd be? I mean, where they'd be going?"

"Quick Stop."

"The convenience store?"

"Quick Stop."

The two continue their walk in silence toward the Quick Stop.

Justice resumes the conversation, "So, Jay tells me you're the lead singer in a metal band. Is that any fun?"

"Metal!", Olaf makes his metal face.

"Do you sing?"

Olaf looks at Justice again before breaking out into song,

"_Everyday I have great luck, BERSERKER!_

_All the girls they make good suck, BERSERKER!"_

Justice fakes a smile to hide her laughter and decides it better not to talk with Olaf any longer.


	9. Divine Inspiration

"God damn, this shit is boring! Jesus, ain't there something you can do?" Rufus looks over to a bearded man.

"I suppose, I just thought this group would be more exciting. At least as exciting as when we made the cast of _American Gladiators_ kill each other."

"No you didn't, you knew it would be like just like this, boring and unexciting. You know everything."

"That's true." Jesus, The Metatron, and Rufus share a laugh.

"Well, it looks as if we'll have to add a bit of flare to the fight."

"Hell yeah, now that's what I'm talkn' bout! This fight needs some flare."

"Sure, but what? Some lions?" Jesus looks around for help.

"I don't know, lions are little out dated. Besides, we'd be mocked by Azrael if we sent something as uninspired as lions."

"Azrael, I hope his ass dies soon." Rufus says with hatred.

"Speaking of Azrael, let's ask the Muse if she has any ideas." Jesus' eyes widen.

"Why bother? You already know what you're going to do and you have more divine inspiration than the Muse could ever hope for."

"I know, but I surrounded myself with people so I would never have to do anything."

"I see," Metatron looks around, "Peter, could you grab the Muse for us?"

"Sure thing."

The Muse enters the room and greets the on-looking faces with a smile. "So, you need some help then?"

"Yes, we'd like to know what to send down to make our little death match a touch more interesting." Metatron explains.

"I see. How about the-the Golgothan."

"The Golgothan! Muse, you still got the touch."

Jesus picks up a walkie-talkie, "This Jesus to dispatch. Send in the Golgothan. Repeat, send in the Golgothan."

"Copy that Jesus, sending in the Golgothan."


	10. Life Goes On

Life Goes On

"Lord of the Rings or Star Wars?"

"What?"

"Lord of the Ring or Star Wars?'

"I don't know; the whole Star Wars franchise has left me wanting as of late, so I'm going to go with Lord of the Rings."

"Blasphemy."

"How so?"

"Seriously, a story about four arguably gay men and their quest for a ring; gay rhetoric if I ever heard it."

"What! It's a story of four friends who share a completely platonic relationship and quest for a ring of immeasurable power."

"Yeah, the power to unite the world for the purpose of greater good."

"Exactly."

"For gay men."

"What? No. Not for gay men. It has nothing to do with being gay."

"Oh yeah, read the book."

" Why would I read the book?"

"You haven't read the book."

"No."

"For such a big fan of the movies, how could you not read the book."

"I just never got a round to it I guess."

"I bet you can't even read."

"I can read."

"What books have you read?"

"Catcher in the Rye, War of the Worlds, 1984, need I say more? What books have you read?"

"I don't read."


End file.
